Using the School Computer, Part 11 - What NOT to Do

I was at my Junior High School looking for fun IT-related facts on the internet the other day. It was for an upcoming seminar presentation that by the way will rock your face like a hurricane if you’re lucky enough to see it at this year’s job training.

But I digress. So, fun fact about IT-related fun facts: there aren’t any. The best I could find was the spurious claim that for every ‘normal’ website on the ‘net there are five porn sites. That means that the internet is 83% porn. I have two questions about this: 1) which side of that fence do Twilight fan sites fall on?

Twilight Romance: "Oh yeah! Soon as she falls asleep it's go time!"

and 2) Who confirmed this?! Whose job was it to count the porn sites?!

Mine! Geh-hehheh!!

This completely fictional fact made me realize: at the last job training seminar it wasn’t made explicitly clear that we shouldn’t be looking at porn on the work computers. I think I just assumed it was a no-no. Hey! “Explicitly.” Good pun! Heh.

Anyway, there is a super amazing filter on all the school computers that refuses to acknowledge porn exists on the internet. Presumably this means if you search for ‘tits’ you are linked to the British Ornithological Society (or BOS for short). 

Totally just saw some tits. Like a BOS. I think they were a breeding pair.

Unfortunately, I think whoever designed this system set their sights a bit low. Obviously if you type in “Paris Hilton” or “Saucy Mums” or “Thai egg-shoot trick good time” you are looking specifically for something disgusting and should expect to be blocked. But what shocked me was how many seemingly innocent search terms brought up dirty, dirty porn on my school’s “filtered” computer.

In the interest of helping my fellow professionals, I began compiling a list of these search terms. But my seminar co-presenter, big stuffed shirt that he is, was all like, “Dude, we were told to cut down on the amount of porn in our presentation. We’re supposed to be professionals, goddammit!” Long story (and two fistfights) short, my cautionary tale won’t be going in the presentation. So I’m publishing it here. Think of it like Special Features on a DVD but with lower production values.

So you don’t think I’m just making this up I will include an explanation of what I was hoping to achieve by using that specific search term. Usually I use google image search to find basic images to pretty up worksheets – because no one likes a boring worksheet. Otherwise I am looking for larger, more complex images to put on my school’s English Board in the hallway outside the staffroom. I also have a weird thing about cutting out pictures of my head and putting them on other bodies. But as you will see, I accidentally uncovered the sort of bodies that only Miley Cyrus’s head should be maliciously attached to. Although actually you won’t see; I’m not going to include any of the offending images here because I’m a classy guy. And I don’t want records of me downloading them from the school computer! However if you’re really keen to see Princess Zelda getting sexed by Link’s cartoon pony, I have given you the tools to do so. You sick freak.

The Unholy List of Forbidden Search Terms

Santa’s Little Helper – for an English Board display on Christmas. It turns out Santa loves sluts.
Smurfs – I wanted to make a worksheet about descriptive words. You know, ‘grumpy’ smurf, ‘jokey’ smurf. But I was so disturbed by what they were doing to Smurfette I abandoned the idea altogether. They really need more girls in that village.
Zelda Heart Container – The best worksheet I have ever made “A Link to the Past Tense”. It was almost worth viewing someone’s attempt at hentai horse rape.
Mario & Princess Peach – Okay, so my love of video games borders on obsession and I let my freak flag fly in my worksheets and PowerPoint presentations. But I have never felt so obsessed that I felt like drawing Mario violating Princess Peach. Who thinks this is a good idea?!
Angry Hulk – Having another crack at that descriptive words worksheet (I never did finish it) using my secondary go-to knowledge base after video games: comics. I have to say I thought I was in the clear with this one. And why that Hulk action figure was angry about being wedged between that porn star’s breasts, who could really say.
Girl in Love – For the Valentine’s Day English Board. I’m just… not mandated to teach kids about that.
Cute Teacher – I wanted some encouraging clipart to motivate students to try hard at a worksheet I was making. Honestly, I should’ve seen this one coming.
Man looks in a Hole – I was asked to write a listening test for students and I decided on the scenario that my co-worker Helen had fallen down a hole and I was questioning her as to how this had happened. It was all going fine until I was asked to find a visual reference to give students a starting point. Then goddamn.

It seems like there is a pattern to my misadventures. I have determined that if you want to use google image search on the school computer, you should avoid any mention of the words ‘boy’, ‘girl’, ‘man’, ‘woman’ or any other creature that has holes you can put dicks in. Additionally steer clear of anything you have fond childhood memories of, or alternatively, be prepared to have them shattered.