How my First Japanese Video Game Purchase went Horribly Wrong

I need to be clear about something. I have played literally hundreds of Japanese video games. I have played, like, 5 video games in Japanese. That’s an important distinction. And you’re going to find out why.

See, the first four games I played in Japanese were arcade games that involved either hitting a drum or throwing a plastic ball at a hot air balloon. It’s fair to say I bungled my way through those tricky concepts.

Perhaps I was overconfident, but I figured the next step was to buy a game for my Playstation 3 that was entirely in Japanese. Ever since I was a little kid I’ve heard stories about people getting totally awesome games imported from Japan and just fudging their way through them. What’s the worst that could happen? I thought innocently, perhaps a little naively.

My first mistake was buying for the price. At only 2000 yen, what did I have to lose, aside from 2000 yen? Only my dignity and self confidence, as it transpired.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

They say not to judge a book by its cover. Perhaps the same is true of a video game. I looked at the front cover.

Sweet! There's hardly any Japanese going on here!

Buy it!

Like most J-RPGs, X-Edge is about a boy who looks like a girl (to the point where my wife PanPan said “Who’s she?” when the game started) wearing leather pants, fighting evil. Using my knowledge of Japanese culture, I figured I would just push the ‘fuck’ button whenever I saw a tentacle and the ‘shoot’ button whenever I saw anything else and it would all turn out fine. I would save the universe this way.

Unfortunately it wasn’t all shooting and fucking like in my real life. There was also talking. 

Good God, was there talking.

 It’s hard to know where you are plot-wise when you can only read the word です in any given sentence. But my Mama didn’t raise no quitter and my early childhood psychologist said I was “definitely not short of imagination” so I took my best guess. Here is the story of X Edge, as I interpret it:

Prologue

The Old Gods have awakened from their eons of slumber, thirsty for conquest. Their hoary gaze fell upon a planet so ridiculous looking, so physically implausible that utter domination was the only option.

And so they sent their godly golden war balls to that planet. Because nothing says domination better than hitting a planet with your balls.

Fade out. We fade in on two enigmatic youngsters. I think they’re drunk.

Effeminate Boy: Ugh, my mouth tastes like a homeless shelter for incontinent bears. Where the hell are we? And why am I wearing your pants?

Dowdy-but-obviously-secretly-attractive Girl: Never mind that now. We have to do something about those space balls!

Just then, something amazing happens!

Boobs: Hello. My name is Boobs.

Boy: Buuuuuh.

Girl: We didn’t order a stripper.

Boobs: Bitch. 

            I am here to help you fight evil. And by evil I mean wolves! Heaps of wolves.

Girl: We probably have it under control with handguns, but thanks for the offer. I’m sure your cape would have been really helpful.

This snappy banter continued for some time, in and around numerous wolf fights. But by then I was already bored. So I stopped paying attention to a story I was making up myself (which is a bad sign for my writing career). Then I got this:

Sweet Motherless Christ.

It was at this point that I realized if I wanted to feel confused and inadequate I would have stayed married to my first wife. I figured out how to save, and to this day I don’t know why. I played 5 minutes of a game I couldn’t understand, but at least now I can pick up where I left off?

If anyone wants a copy of X-Edge, drop me a comment. It’ll be 3000 yen.