More Summer than Sonic

I paid about a black market kidney’s worth of money for a two day pass to the Summersonic music festival. Summersonic takes place in Osaka and Tokyo simultaneously over an August weekend. The acts that play Tokyo on the Saturday play Osaka on the Sunday and vice versa.

As a music fanatic, I am ashamed to say that this was to be my first ever music festival. So I was both excited and nervous as I queued for the bus that would take me and my fellow concertgoers to Maijima, the islands where Summersonic was to be held. Both emotions evaporated instantly under the harsh glare of the scorching hot sun. There were 1600 people ahead of me in that godforsaken line when I began to hallucinate from the heat. I was sure I saw countless nose piercings, tattoos and pink-dyed hair, but those things don’t exist in Japan, right?

Finally I made my way onto the bus. When I arrived at the venue, those feelings of excitement and nervousness came rushing back. It was like being hit with a solid wall of emotion, not to mention a solid wall of people and heat.

There were 3 stages: Sonic stage was the smallest of the three, and the only indoor stage. This is where the bands you’ve never heard of play. And James Blunt.

Ewww.

The Mountain stage was furthest from the entrance. The short uphill walk to reach it was sufficient for its hyperbolic name, presumably. Second string bands played on this stage.

The Ocean Stage was the “main” stage, and where I would spend most of my day.

Now that you have a rough idea of what we’re working with, please enjoy my insightful mini reviews of the bands I saw.

Hollywood Undead – My researchipedia told me that these rap rockers were known for their wearing of custom hockey masks and the use of rap pseudonyms. Two songs in and I could understand why. I guess the most important lesson I learned from Hoolywood Undead was that you can’t wear masks when it’s 40 degress.

Zebrahead – These guys inconsiderately started their set while I was in line for some pizza. Zebrahead are one of those bands that have two singers, but I think one of them’s a bully or something, because the other singer had very little singing to do. This poor bugger’s job was instead to run up and down the length of the stage telling people to “get the fuck up!” Do Japanese people understand this command? (I could use it the train.) Zebrahead are more popular in Japan than in their Mums’ houses, so probably not. Their best song was a cover of Avril Lavigne’s ‘Girlfriend’. Take from that what you will.

"I don't know what I'm doing with my life! Get the fuck up!"

Panic at the Disco – Lead singer Brendon Urie was obviously feeling the heat, because he mentioned it every eight seconds. I think most of the audience counted themselves lucky he was on lead vocals so that his mouth was occupied at least some of the time with something other proclaiming “shit, it’s hot.” He was too hot to even notice that some American girl – who I like to think had stalked him all the way from the States – was desperately declaring her love for him after each and every song. Which is a shame because she was a sure thing.

Maximum the Hormone – I felt death’s presence while watching this band. Prior to their arrival, a woman did something very unusual. In the mosh pit, she laid down a tiny tarpaulin, took off her shoes, whipped her phone out and just went to her special place. In the mosh pit. She then acted surprised and offended when the band started and people stood on her. For my part I lost a shoe as a result of someone deciding a double-handed shove to the spine would be pretty rock ‘n roll. I got it back using a supreme combination of willpower and elbows. However, in an ultimately tragic final twist to this bizarre tale I had to throw the shoes out when I got home anyway. Those shoes came out of the pit looking worse for wear than that weird picnic lady.

Give me your shoes give me your shoes give me your shoes BLEAAAARGGHH!!!

Bow Wow Wow: After four straight bands at the Ocean Stage – one of which tried to indirectly assassinate me – it was time for a break. I made my inside to the Sonic stage, where Bow Wow Wow had amassed an audience of about 100 people who were probably expecting this guy:

Pictured here: NOT Bow Wow Wow

P.I.L – When I dared to venture outside again I made my way sluggishy to the yakisoba stand, then up to the Mountain stage where P.I.L where redefining the definition of music in the worst way possible. I want you to really understand how much this band sucked. Let me put it this way: I love yakisoba. I would eat yakisoba every day if my health check doctors hadn’t already run out of ways to call me fat. P.I.L made my yakisoba taste bad by association. I was inspired by P.I.L to write them this song, which I hope they will record and use to torture music lovers the world over. It should be played using an e-bow and a beard. I haven’t included any chords, because P.I.L taught me that chords don’t matter. I call it Art Wank.

Art wank!

Art wank!

Vitriole!

Fuck your governments!

Art Wank!

Just repeat that until your whole audience hates you and goes back to the Ocean Stage. Which is, coincidentally, exactly what I did!

X-Japan – Every Japanese person had come to see X-Japan. I went into their set with almost no preconceptions, seeing as I knew very little about them. I feel like I learned a lot about Japan’s premiere symphonic metal band. For example, I can tell you that X Japan is made up of a drummer and four other unimportant guys. I can tell you that the drummer is supernaturally beautiful for a 50-year-old man. It probably doesn’t help that the singer looks like Yoko Ono but honestly, I’ve never seen so much footage of a drummer’s face at a concert. By my estimation in a 40-minute set it was about 38 minutes of the this guy’s face and forearms flailing gorgeously and 2 minutes of the cameraman just kind of looking around aimlessly while the drummer changed costumes.

"Cut the fireworks! All the smoke is making it hard for people to see my staggering beauty."

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Firstly, I stand firm on my opposition to the pedo ‘stache, even when someone as awesome as Anthony Keidis is wearing it. Secondly, the lack of John Frusciante was significant. Their replacement was certainly an able guitarist, although he did bad, bad things to most of the solos. But when your bassist is Flea, the guitar becomes secondary to a degree. Where Frusciante’s absence was most apparent was in the harmonies, or lack thereof. It’s just lucky I was there! I provided harmonies myself for the 500 people surrounding me. And did I receive a word of thanks? I did not.

I award best performance of the day to the sun. It overshadowed all the other acts, nearly made Brendon Urie cry and helped me decided not to bother attending on Sunday just to see Korn play a thirty minute set.

I would like to dedicate this blog to Brendon Urie. I hope he's somewhere cold. 

"You can be a real dick sometimes, Sun."