10 Things New Zealand does Better

Japan rocks the party.

That said, New Zealand does do a few things better. 10 things, to be precise. I found them all and listed them here for you. That way those of you still living in the plughole of the Earth won't feel so bad.

Milk – In Japan, milk is hard to find. And when you do find it, there’s no guarantee it hasn’t been coaxed from an octopus.

Bread – There’s... something missing... I don’t know what it is. If this were a Japanese cartoon the answer would be either love or destiny. But I think it’s probably more like salt, or flour or something like that.

Coffee – Things tend to be coffee flavoured rather than, you know, made of coffee. Cafes? Not really. Unless you count Mr Donut. But Mr Donut is the smokiest place on the planet earth that isn’t currently being burnt to the ground. So don’t go to Mr Donut. Unless you are a smoker and you like cholesterol. Then you may have just found your special place.

When God realised that the Japanese life expectancy was too high, he made Mr Donut.

Fruit – Fruit here is utterly perfect, but stupidly expensive. It’s like paying for one of those hookers that comes with a limousine and a bottle of dom perignon when all you want is Divine Brown. Fun Fact: The Japanese don’t go in for fruit skins at all. That even extends to grapes.

Six pounds well spent, Hugh.

Clothing – Japan has some great clothing, but I don’t fit most of it. The only thing worse than living in New Zealand and having to choose between wearing a monochromatic Hallensteins tee or spending half a week’s wages on a surf shop tee is getting to Japan and finding a dream world of magical clothing that you don’t fit. It’s like Flowers for Algernon. Now that I have this knowledge I can’t go back. There’s only one thing for it: I have to somehow lose 28kg and about 17 inches of height without dying. I’ll keep you posted on that one.

Tattoos – Who knew an astronaut and a star would make me resemble a gangster? All I’m saying is that if I’d known that any visible tattoo was going to make me an unsavoury person I would have at least gone for something badass, like a mountain lion holding a trident. Or just the phrase, in Olde English font: I’m about to punch you in the balls.

Beaches – To survive a Japanese beach you need to be one of those Indian pain gurus. Legend says that when the era of the samurai ended all of their swords were turned into sand and scattered on the beaches to keep out those dirty white imperialist pigs. To this day the beaches of Japan hate foreigners. And they will stab you in the feet until you get the message.

Gambling – Pachinko is like the only gambling you can do in Japan! Unless you count crossing the street against the lights at night-time. Or buying groceries with kanji you don't recognise.

Banking – Did you know ATMs sometimes get the day off here? The ones that are open outside of business hours charge you a fee to make up for the inconvenience of having to give you the money that belongs to you. You’re a robot, ATM!! What’s next, maternity leave!?

ATMs are people too, dammit! Hey! Let me out of this glass cage! It's my rostered day off! Hey!!

Weather – The humidity here is deadly. I always said I’d rather be too hot than too cold. That was a ridiculous lie. The truth is whenever I said that I was imagining stripping down to a mankini and lying on a beach (but not one made of broken glass and caltrops like the ones here in Japan). It never occurred to me that I might have to go to work in that shit. In a full suit. Bring on the cold weather. I will lap it up until my tongue freezes to whatever I am lapping up at that time.

But it's not over! Stay posted for 10 things Japan does better than NZ.