In honour of the fact that the weather has completely one-eightied on us in the last three days, I present my guide to being a Japanese man in summer. Please keep to refer to in 9 months time. You can thank me then.
A Man Bag or ‘Murse’ (man purse)
Question: What’s like a backpack but sixteen times more awesome?
Answer: A man bag!
The evidence for the key role the man bag plays is right in front of the very eyes of every train-goer. Almost every man in Japan seems to have one.
I resolved to get one too. To that end, I sought the advice of Randy, senpai (senior) JET and all-round badass. This is how that conversation went:
Bigmrjosh: “Hey, nice man bag. Where’d you get it?”
Randy: “I’m about to punch you in the balls.”
Bigmrjosh (cringing): “Um... okay. Then you’ll tell me where you got it from, right? Cos I really want one.”
From this we can learn two things. The first is that prevailing attitudes about what is masculine and what is “mega gay” can be hard to shrug off, even when you’re living in the country where nothing is considered too fruity. Many JETs refer to the man bag as a ‘messenger bag’, in an attempt to make them ‘cooler’. Let me ask you this: would you rather be a messenger, or a man?! I am not a messenger! Ahem. Anyway, because of Randy’s previous experience with uncharitable attitudes to the murse, he thought my question less than sincere, even sarcastic. Luckily this did not prevent us from becoming fast friends. This leads me to my second point. Never let the threat of a ball punch deter you from following your dreams, kids.
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| If David Beckham can wear his hair like that and carry a man bag and not be gay then, truly, there are no limits. I still think he could benefit from a Randy-style punch in the balls. |
My murse is especially amazing because of its leather strap. I like to swap the strap from my right shoulder to my left during the long walk to my school. This creates two criss-crossing bands of sweat across my chest. Once I have achieved this effect I feel like Speed Racer’s salary man rival or something.
At least one of these items is flat out essential for the train-riding gentleman in Japan. This is because your options on the train are limited. This section could also be called ‘learning to shut the hell up.’ Being nosy on the train is verboten. If you’re noisy, people will stare at you. Scary, gnarled, wizened people. So you need to occupy yourself.
Options!
You can sleep (almost impossible for non-Japanese)
You can read manga or a regular book (makes no sense/costs money)
You can stare uncomfortably at the person opposite you (creepy, especially since they are often staring at you. Or reading porn.)
Or you can play on one of the options from the sub-heading (awesome!)
Note: What Japanese people do on their cellphones while they’re on the train is one of life’s great mysteries. There’s no reception, so they’re not calling or texting anyone. Whenever I sneak a peak I always see a solid screen of Japanese kanji text.
If you are one of those people thinking, ‘Gaming on the train - that’s a bit juvenile,’ then I have this to say to you: in your face! In Japan, people of all ages – and both genders – can be regularly witnessed playing handheld games on the train. From what I’ve seen of Japanese life, I think it’s the only chance some people have to get some serious gaming in! Those people should always get seats.
Danglies
I don’t know what people actually call these, but I’m talking about the little charms that you can hang from your cellphone, game system, wallet, keys or man bag (If you can get one of these on your bag, your cell phone, your game system and possibly through any piercings you have you will achieve a JAPAN SUPER COMBO! You will be so Japanese that people will give you things like rice or noodles. Or more danglies.)
Danglies are a great way to make non-Japanese stuff look Japanese as hell. The least Japanese thing I can think of is a Holden Commodore SS Utility vehicle. That’s about 2.7 times more car than anyone drives in Japan. But if you added a Hello Kitty keychain to it – boom. It fits Japan like a glove.
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| This... |
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| Plus this... equals KAWAII!! |
But it doesn’t just stop at Hello Kitty. These little decorations range from cute to terrifying to sometimes both. Probably the best example of this I have seen is a happy little caterpillar that, when you squeeze it, shits itself.
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| This is the most Japanese thing on Earth. You can make one at home. You just need 1600 rhinestones and the bottled spirit of a samurai warrior. Oh, and Hello Kitty, obviously. |
A Fan
Any time that you are outside, you need a fan. Luckily stores are often giving these out for free. Presumably it is bad business for them to allow their customer to expire from heat exhaustion. One time I saw someone without a fan turn into dust and blow away down the street. It’s that serious. At job training my pink fan matched my pink shirt and I received several compliments about this. That kind of unintentional awesomeness is how I’m living.
A Short-Sleeved Shirt
Have you ever noticed that you don’t sweat out of the bottom of your elbows? I noticed this when I was sweating out of the other 98% of my body. You need to be kind to the bottom of your elbows for providing this small service. You need a short-sleeved shirt. Most of the salary men wear ‘cool biz’, the name for the style of wearing dress pants and a short-sleeved shirt, no jacket, no tie. They tend to go for white, which means that the train resembles a mix between a cast photo for revenge of the nerds and one of those utopian ‘we are all the same’ scenarios.
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| Wait, you got your white jumpsuit at Uniqlo? Huh. Me too. |
I like to give that a big kick in the face by wearing a purple or grey shirt. And my underpants on the outside, Superman style. What the hell, I stand out anyway, right?
With these five key pieces of equipment, you too can resemble the Japanese man.
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| I'm every Japanese man who works in an office, and I endorse this message! |
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