Japanising Reality TV

The premise: 20 contestants – all executives or creators of reality tv shows – travel to a secluded island for the chance to win $1 million dollars and marry a millionaire and have a recording contract for one poorly-received album. BUT! There’s a twist: it’s all a sham, and what they’re actually competing for is the chance to not be shot in the face in each show’s ‘revolver ceremony’. BUT! DOUBLE TWIST! At the end of the show all contestants still get shot in the face. And the TV viewership wins.

Ever since my friend Meggy and I created this, the ultimate reality TV show premise, I have known that making reality TV shows is both my destiny and the first step in the eventual destruction of all mankind. But you can’t climb to the top of the mountain without stopping at a few base camps first. The world is not ready for ‘Headshot Island’ just yet. So I’m going to start smaller by adapting reality TV for the Japanese audience.

I’m not positing anything revolutionary here, because a country that already has ideas for reality TV like ‘give a chimpanzee a Bulldog and some overalls’ already have their finger on the pulse of what makes great television.

What?

I’m not even suggesting anything original, because that never works. Instead, I’m just going to take existing popular reality TV shows and Japanise them. Hold onto your overalls, monkey!

The Amazing Race (To Get a Seat on the Morning Train)

The premise: Contestants will take part in a madcap race to... get a seat on the morning train. I guess that was pretty self-explanatory.

Why it will be a hit: It will allow the Japanese people to showcase the incredible bursts of speed that they are capable over a 20 metre distance. I honestly don’t know why more Japanese people aren’t winning the short range track events at the Olympic Games. I think it’s because they’re confused about there not being a chair to sit in at the end. You know that saying about getting between a lioness and her cubs? It’s the exact same thing as getting between a Japanese person and an empty train seat: however it all shakes out, someone is losing an eye.

Welcome to Japanese Shangri-La, a train with all empty seats!

(Monthly Pay) Survivor

 The premise: Give foreigners a massive stack of yen, a currency that seems a lot like Monopoly money, and challenge them to still have some left at the end of the month.

I'm rich bi-aatch! Ahahahahahahahaha!
(7 mins later) ...Holy God. Why did I spend 16,000 yen on a lollipop making machine?!

Why it will be a hit: The only thing people love to see more than people succeed on reality TV is watching people fail. Watch as contestants hilariously overspend within hours of receiving their pay. Then continue to watch, because after that shit gets real. Watch as their human survival instinct kicks in. Watch as they stop going out, then stop eating, then finally – Gasp! - stop drinking.

Extreme Japanese Makeover, Gyaru Edition

My wife and I once watched a young Japanese lady absolutely decimate herself while riding home on the midnight train. She was one of that special breed of Japanese ladies who apply the gyaru ‘more is better’ philosophy to things like hair and makeup. Basically, a gyaru girl is the closest you can come to having sex with a poodle without being in serious legal trouble. This girl on the train was wearing so much makeup, and had so much hair piled atop her head that she could have been an 80-year-old man under it all. And if that’s not an attractive image then I don’t know what is. In the end, she fell for the oldest trick in the book. You know how every sweater has that one thread that sends the whole house of cards tumbling down? That thread is like your jersey's cyanide pill final solution. This girl had a hair that was just like that, and she couldn't stop fucking with it. If she had just left that damn hair alone, her whole bees nest follicle party wouldn't have come tumbling down like a cow on stairs. It was the only safe way to watch a train wreck happen while on a train.

Anyway, we’re here to talk about reality TV. Don’t get me off topic!

The premise: 16 young, aspiring pretty girls come to Japan and get caked with makeup by Japanese face-ruining experts. We then cut the newly slathered and wigged ladies loose on the streets of major Metropolitan areas. The last one to be mistaken for a prostitute is eliminated!

Why it will succeed: Seriously, these girls go all out. I mean, did you somehow skip that last picture? I’ve seen toddlers who have gotten into Mum’s makeup by accident do a better job. 700 years of woman’s magazines have thrived on showing other women sucking at putting on makeup for the amusement of the average, bitchy woman, and this show would be just as successful.

Bring on the moneys.