Your Questions Answered, with BigMrJosh: Mascots?

I called my Dad a few days back and he asked me, “What’s the deal with the Japanese and all their cute mascots?”
It’s a good question that I don’t really know the answer to. But if you think not knowing the answer is going to stop me from answering anyway then, frankly, you must be new to this blog.
Nice of you to drop by.


Cute Sells
Girls love cute stuff. They are literally unable to resist saying ‘aww’ when they see a puppy sleeping, a kitten playing or a baby dribbling. It’s not their fault; it’s simply a result of having such a high sugar, spice and all things nice content in their bodies. They’re a slave for cute.

This picture alone is enough to explode the brain of a normal woman.

Boys are more complicated. Show them any of the above examples and their first thought is probably to wonder how it would look either on fire or shot from a cannon.
But that’s not to say boys don’t like cute things. They do. That’s why boys like girls. Have you ever seen an un-cute girl? Who are they for?!
Some guys try to be staunch and they’re all like, “I don’t like cute stuff ‘cause I’m a man, yo!” (I think staunch guys say yo. I don’t know why anyone says yo.)
Listen, staunch guys: I think it’s been pretty well established that I am one of the manliest men on the planet. I’m so manly that when other women see my wife their thighs stop working out of sympathy. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a turtle with a magnifying glass telling me to break glass in case of emergency.
Stop fronting, yo.

Unemplyoment is for nations full of pussies.
Japan wants everyone to have a job, or at least pretend they do. And obviously in a country with such a huge demand for mascots there must be a similarly huge demand for… mascoteers? Mascot Facilitation Engineers? I don’t know what they’re called but we needs ‘em!
To become a Mascoteer (A word I have decided I'm in love with), you must undertake a grueling course of study at one of the seven institutions created around Japan specifically to train accredited Mascoteers. (Tee hee)

Here is your syllabus:

MCTR101  Drawing Animals

MCTR204  Drawing Hats

MCT311  Putting it all together.

Employment Panda says 'No!' to unemployment!

The Power of Mascots
Let’s face it, if the Japanese spent half as much time making robots that could use knives as they did making squirrels who can tell you to go to the dentist, my Japanese language would be a lot better than it is now. That’s because I would have been speaking it since birth.
Before I got here I thought knife-bots were one of Japan’s primary industries, thanks to Astro Boy and Mega Man. As it is now though, Japan is mostly responsible for assembling your cars and creating all the world's awesome cartoons and video games. There are two reasons why Japan has yet to crush the rest of the world under the robot heel of their robot justice (and, spoiler: neither is because they can’t.)

First Reason: Too Obvious.
Everyone pretty much expects robots, and that’s exactly why Japan won’t do it. If you challenge a Japanese person to a knife fight, they will bring a maid’s outfit and a baseball bat made up to look like Doraemon. That’s thinking outside the square. If you type rules into google translate and change it to Japanese it gives you the kanji for surprise attack.

Even their mascots defy explanation. This is KenKen.

Hi.

What do you think KenKen is the mascot for? After-School care? Nappies? A fruity snack? WRONG!
KenKen is the mascot for giving blood. What does an undersized possum have to do with giving blood? A more salient question would be what does KenKen want with your blood? What does a fat cow want with lush, green grass? KenKen wants your blood to slake his ancient thirst. KenKen lives in the shadows and is responsible for the deaths of 16,000 infants. KENKEN. MUST. FEED.
Pray he never finds you.

*Burp*

Second Reason: The Threat Factor.
Ever since World War 2, the Japanese haven’t been allowed to do anything that seems like it could be even remotely threatening. This is the nation who gave the world ninjas, samurais, kamikaze bombers and tsunamis. This is the country whose rich sports day traditions developed from the original idea of having students stand back to back and then try to punch each other in the face. The T part of a Japanese person’s DNA stands for threatening, and their whole genetic makeup is entirely T because it kicked the shit out of A,D and G until they ran away.
So when you tell the hardest nation on the planet to not be threatening, they pull the ultimate mindfuck on you: they take it insanely far in the other direction. Hence you get pink rabbits advertising gasoline. And do you know what? It’s terrifying.