Making Some Money

So I am poor.

Blogging is a great way to share my genius with 0.000000000000173% of the world. But it’s not particularly lucrative. So far, my ledger shows net profits of $0 and two shouts of “hey, your blog is funny” on the street. My net losses are even more depressing: $612 spent on caffeine alone, plus a bill for a yet to be disclosed sum from my wife for time spent ‘pissing around on that bloody computer and ignoring me.’

Something had to change.

I wracked my bulbous, majestic brain for ways that I could parlay my three talents into some kind of income. It wasn’t easy; I have a pretty specialized skill set. I hit upon the solution while teaching colours to a class of third graders. We had just convinced Mr Red to come out of hiding by all chanting “Come on!”

He's shy, you know.

And I had informed the students that Mr Red only liked objects that were red and would probably eat their schoolbags. That was when it hit me: I was already a children’s entertainer. Why not make some money out of it?

Welcome to BigMrJosh’s Children’s Birthday Party Central!

At BigMrJosh childrens’ birthday parties, you can give your child an experience they will never forget without extensive hypnotherapy. Currently operating in the Japan region only (sorry, rest of the world!) our dedicated team bring you semi-quality party experiences at semi-competitive prices. At present we have a staff of one, but with the assistance of the prison corrections department we hope to be increasing our staff to… well, probably to at least two.

You guys are so hired.

Please take the time to read about some of the exciting games and activities we can provide for your next child’s birthday party!

Pin the Balls on the Tanuki

As someone whose main goal in life is to win everything, I get really pissed off by Pin the Tail on the Donkey. It’s too specific! There’s only one place where the tail looks right and you want me to hit it with a pin?! That’s like expecting Helen Keller to ski a slalom course – it’s not impossible, but there’s gonna be more than a bit of luck involved, you know?

Look at its arrogant ass. God I hate you, donkey.

By contrast, children will love playing Pin the Balls on the Tanuki, because a tanuki is 60% balls anyway. That’s a considerably higher chance of success. You could pin balls to a tanuki’s chin and it would still count as correct. You’re a winner!

Balloon Animals

While we’re talking about balls, how do your children feel about squeaky, shiny balls of happiness?! That’s right, I’m talking about balloons, folks!

Cool animals like giraffes and elephants aren’t relevant to the Japanese child. I have spent countless minutes honing my ability to make Japanese-specific balloon animals.

Tanuki

Aside from the ever-popular tanuki, your child may also enjoy:

Kitsune!

Stray Cat!

Mukade!

Terrifying Raven!

What a delight for children of any age!

Pass the Parcel

No expense has been spared to bring your child a magnificent party experience. Japanese children are already adept at opening sixteen layers of packaging, thanks to the Japanese shopkeeper’s propensity for acting like they’re in Love Actually.

Chotto Mate

Really, the only novelty in this game is that they have to share the task with other children. Still, none of that will matter when the lucky winner savagely tears away that last layer to reveal… a perfectly spherical, flawlessly beautiful, chemically delicious apple! And look – it’s big enough for all to share! Everyone’s a winner!

(Please note, a 1000 yen deposit is required to secure the apple.)

Samurai Pinata

We all want our children to have Bushido, the Samurai spirit. Birthdays offers a timely reminder that your child is one year closer to adulthood, that time when they may have to feel the hot blood of their enemies splash their face. In short, it’s no time to be resting on their laurels.

The rules of Samurai piñata are almost the same as normal piñata. Almost. There’s still a big thing stuffed with candy. The kid still gets blindfolded and spun around until they’re dizzy and nauseous (or, as I call it, ready for killing). But instead of a stick they get a razor sharp katana, just like you have in the garage. And they get one shot to bring that piñata's time on this great battlefield we call Earth to a quick and merciless end. Otherwise the next stab is for them.

This game can really set the mood for your party, so… you should probably be pretty sure of the outcome before requesting it. Or at least leave it until the end. No refunds.

All medical costs incurred are the responsibility of the child who – let’s face it – shouldn’t have sucked so hard. Not recommended for ages 4 and under.

Son, you brought this on yourself.

From everyone here at BigMrJosh children’s birthday parties, we look forward to hearing from you soon!