Straight Screamin' at Trains

Guess my hobbies.

<Ahem> Hello, I’m the Train Screamer and welcome to the Train Screamers ‘Screamin’ at Trains with your host the Train Screamer.’

Today we’re going to be visiting the magical mountain paradise that is Hanayama. As my regular viewers know, I love to scream at trains all over Japan, all day and every night. And Hanayama is no exception. But Hanayama is special because it’s also my home. Come on, let’s check it out!

The rural alpine wonderland that is Hanayama is famous for two things: crazy people and insects the size of human infants. But don’t worry; I’m not crazy and I’m sure not a giant insect a-ha-ha-ha! I just really hate trains but I also really love trains. So there’s that.

But there’s so much more to the ‘Yama than those terrible, beautiful machines that you call trains and I call fulfilment. There’s also a diagonal lift! No, you didn’t hear wrong, this elevator moves along the X-axis and the Y-axis simultaneously! I love the diago-vator so much that I gave it its own name. It’s diago-vator. I also applied for world wonder status for the diago-vator, but it got beat out by some stupid statue that doesn’t even have a nose. Whatever.

I'm over it.

Remember, if you ride the diago-vator to be courteous. Always push the <ahem> button to send the lift back after you’ve finished riding it, even if there are people waiting at your end to get on.

That's just Common Sense

So as I said, Hanayama has many interesting sights: the diago-vator and those sweet, dreadful trains. That’s it. We better go see the trains before I wet myself.

The Hanayama train station is the unofficial meeting point for every crazy person in a five kilometre radius. Completely coincidentally, it’s also the perfect spot for those who enjoy the gentlemanly pursuit of train screaming. Unlike your average train station, Hanayama eki has stairs leading down to – and crossing! – the tracks. On the far side from the entrance, beside the barrier arm that separates me from my hate-bride, is a metal fence. When I stand here I am like unto a GOD! <Ahem> No train can withstand my righteous bellow! At about chest height, the fence doesn’t obscure your view of oncoming trains and it provides a handy handhold you can clutch for support if that’s your style. I prefer to hold onto my trousers, my wang and my dreams of locomotive rape-suicide.

Each to their own.

Well, that’s all for this episode of Train Screamer’s 'Screamin’ at Trains with your host the Train Screamer.’ Tune in next week when we- wait. Wait. Holy shit, do you hear that? A train’s coming. I have to, I need to, I - GUH!! A-CHA-PA-TSU-BA-RA-PA-GI-MU-TA-O-KU-RI-BA-RA-TI-E!!

<Ahem> And remember my Top 5 Tips when Screaming at Trains:

1)      Wear a Cap. That way no one will recognise you. A beanie is okay if it’s really cold.

2)      Warm Up your Vocal Chords. Try saying ‘uh’ continuously from the time you leave your home to when you arrive at the station.

3)      Don’t be Afraid to Scream Directly into Someone’s Ear. Remember, they probably either hate or love trains (depending on the day) just as much as you do. They just don’t have the balls to do anything about it. Help spread the word about train screaming. And we all know the most effective way to spread words is to scream them!

4)      Express is Best. Don’t waste your time and energy screaming at lacklustre slow-moving trains. The biggest rush comes from screaming at the trains in... the biggest rush. Plus with an express there’s almost no chance of someone getting off to whup your ass.

5)      Trains were Sent by Satan to Test You. Trains are like the reasonably priced prostitutes of the transport industry: you can scream at them and you can hit them with sticks, but you must never allow yourself to be seduced by them. Stay on your guard.

Check out Train Screamers new single, ‘Straight Screamin’ at Trains’ now available on iTunes. Rolling Stone called it “What... the fuck? 4 stars.”

For a limited time, get the free B-side, ‘Crazy Train (Train Screamer version)’ a harrowing cover of the Black Sabbath classic, delivered entirely in impassioned Japanese screaming.

Thanks to this guy for the sweet Train Screamer graphic. What a legend, and he draws other stuff good too! Check it out.