Politenessball: A Primer

Wrote this yesterday. Publishing it today. Tomorrow: who knows? Probably donuts.

I have seen some civil games of basketball in my time, but the game I watched at my new junior high school this afternoon was on a whole ‘nother level. I need to point out early on that this was my first day, so I knew literally nobody in the gym. There were about 35 teenage girls and three adults, all staring at me.

It’s lucky that everyone was so polite, because the first thing I did was to inadvertently go and sit right in the middle of the opposing team. So I’m introducing myself to a bunch of girls from who knows where, they’re asking the coach if I am her boyfriend, she’s trying to convince them I am and it’s all very confusing.

One awkward sidestep and mumbled explanation (Sorry girls you all seem nice enough and your coach is very friendly but you’re the wrong team sorry I’m sorry see you) during a time out later and I was finally where I was meant to be – with my team of absolute strangers – ready to watch some basketball!

But what I was introduced to was a close variation that I have named Politenessball.

Politenessball has similar rules to traditional basketball plus a shit-tonne more politeness.

Politenessball!

For example, when you sub on, your team mates fold your sweater twice and place it on your seat.

"Bro, you want me to fold that? Yeah, I better fold it."

When you come off again, remember to offer a small bow to the court for treating you so nice.

Even as a spectator you can still be of immense help to the team. Try yelling, “Safety” every once in a while. This help your active teammates to, um… be safe. Alternatively, you could shout “Lucky” when the opposing team cocks up. This is a great non-aggressive way of pointing out that the sloppy play and rampant misfortune of your opponents is really working out rather well for you, and that it has nothing to do with the superior sportsmanship of your team.

Entire Portland Trailblazers Blazers bench: "Lucky!"

I want you to take a moment to consider how beautiful a world it would be if NBA players showed each other the same consideration and incorporated some politenessball into their games.

Everything in the NBA is satisfactual, mister bluebird!

At one point a girl up and dropped the ball and it just sat there; no one from the opposing team scrambled to pick it up, no one from her team scrambled to pick it up, she sure as hell wasn’t going to pick it up again after shaming her ancestors by dropping it. Nobody called anybody else’s mother a whore. It was amazing.

In Politenessball, trash talking is when you ask what day the recycling goes out. I learned everything I needed to know about how to speak to my mother-in-law and my grandparents watching Politenessball.

Boom! Hey, your Mum seems like she raised you well. She's a nice lady.

So the ball’s just sitting there. No one on the bench is saying anything, not even “safety”. All I can do is look around with a deranged grin on my face wondering if this is really happening or if I’ve finally mastered the superpower of freezing time. For two delicious seconds the tension swelled like the pay packet of a starting forward.

References explained: He starts the game in the forward position and he's quite wealthy.

And then, as if a silent cue had been given, every girl in a 10m radius went for the ball at once. It was bananas. I’m assuming they only did it because they all realized simultaneously how impolite it would be to just leave the ball sitting there in the centre of the court and go home.

I felt like I finally reached a key understanding about Politenessball when I asked the girl sitting beside me how many members were in the team and she told me twenty-four.

"That reminds me of a puzzle!"

Your basketball team has 24 members, for Christ’s sake. For training, all members stand in a big circle and pass the ball clockwise from player to player around the circle. If it takes one second to pass the ball between each teammate, can each teammate touch the ball before the shot clock runs down?

If you answered “maybe” then your basketball team is double the recommended size!

Clearly Politenessball was instituted simply as a way to discourage lesser players from outright murdering the talented ones just to get some court time.

I hope they’re playing again tomorrow!