Diary of a Desperate Man

It’s the second day of school for the year. Time to change the world!

I’ve got a plan, of course.

My Plan.

Phase 1: Eat this croissant.

Phase 2: See what happens.

Okay, the plan’s coming along nicely. I’m proud to say that Phase 1 went off without a hitch. Now entering Phase 2.

Eighteen seconds later, I am detecting a problem with Phase 2: nothing is happening. In fact, what do you call it when you go past the point of nothing happening and into a negative world of extreme nothing happening? That just happened.

Everyone in third grade just up and left for a meeting, so that leaves about four people in the staff room. Clearly I will need to make my own excitement. And that’s going to require a revised plan.

My New Plan

Phase 1: Eat this croissant. CHECK!

Phase 2: Daydream about Slash (but not in a gay way).

Phase 3: Pester my colleague.

I’m going to see Slash in concert in a couple of months. It’s pretty exciting for me. After all, there are two things in this world that are really hard to do: play guitar like an angel on a rollercoaster and wear a top hat without people laughing at you. Slash does both at the same time. I think he may be the only one who can.

 

One of the Four Horsemen of Awesome. You can literally see the light of  heaven coming out of his top hat.

He’s touring with Alter Bridge’s Myles Kennedy on vocals. If Slash plays like an angel, then Kennedy sings like Jesus in the deleted scene from Jesus Christ Superstar where he wins the lottery.

3.8 miiiiiiiillion. Oohhhhhh yeeeeeeeaaaaahh!

Okay, that’s enough daydreaming about long-haired, leather pants-wearing men. You’ve gotta put a strict limit on that sort of thing. It’s a slippery slope. Remember to counteract it with a brief daydream about

All better!

Moving into Phase 3.

The other English teacher at my school (whose name is Tran) confounds my attempts to give her a nickname. Even though I lead off with the incredible “Transfat”, an ironclad keeper as far as I’m concerned, the name never stuck (and almost certainly got me struck off her birthday party list.)

But I must not be dissuaded! Quitters can’t change the world. Did Bugs Bunny just up and quit when the Monstars stole all the NBA Stars’ talent? Hell no, he went and got inspirational ultimate weapon Michael Jordan!

You don't believe you can fly?! You're a goddamn duck!

I need to dig deep for the Michael Jordan of nicknames.

And here it is. Undeniable Brilliance.

I presented El PresidenTran with four glorious options. Surely one would reach its spiny tentacles into the depths of her soul and take a firm hold – a Tranglehold, if you will – on her imagination.

Brilliance denied.

As expected, Tranquilizer resisted my nicknaming efforts once again, trying to divert my attention by pointing out how much better she is at Japanese than me. Only an amateur would be so easily distracted!

I'm getting that present though.

It’s now… 11:30. Jesus, is that all?! I need to add more to the plan.

My New Plan 2.0

Phase 1: Eat this croissant. CHECK!

Phase 2: Daydream about Slash. (+MYLES KENNEDY) DOUBLE CHECK!

Phase 3: Pester my colleague. CHECK!

Phase 4: Decorate my desk.

Phase 5: Find my mechanical pencil.

Phase 6: Go home.

Phase 4 begin! It probably seems like I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to do here, but let’s consider that I have been working at this school for 5 months now and really I haven’t done much to personalize my space. To change the world you have to start in your own backyard, you know? One day scientists are going to study my desk for clues as to the origin of my brilliance. It has to subtly deliver a message about the type of man I am and the type of man I aspire to be.

And... Done!

That was easy.

On to Phase 5! 
I have lost my mechanical pencil. I only have one. It’s not on the same level as when I lost my external hard drive last year. That was meltdown material. This is more of a minor annoyance. Still, I need it for writing on stuff in pencil! Check my pencil case. Nope. Check my desk drawers. Hmmm, nope.

I bet that Trandit Tran stole it. I’ll ask her.

She says no. I still think she has it. Better check my desk again though.

Dammit, it’s definitely not in my desk.

Oh, wait! It’s in my pocket.

Sigh. Now I have to apologise to sTranpede. Might as well put it on the plan.

I should probably eat lunch too. I’ll do that first.

My New Plan 2.1

Phase 1: Eat this croissant. CHECK!

Phase 2: Daydream about Slash. (+MYLES KENNEDY) DOUBLE CHECK!

Phase 3: Pester my colleague. CHECK!

Phase 4: Decorate my desk. CHECK!

Phase 5: Find my mechanical pencil. CHECK!

Phase 6: Eat lunch.

Phase 7: Apologise to Tran.

Phase 8: Go home.

As I eat my lunch it occurs to me that apologizing to exTraneous would be a sign of weakness. And really, accusing her of being a thief is one of the nicer things I’ve done for her in recent memory. She probably doesn’t need an apology. It's probably just enough to let her know I found it.

Message for Tran: Tran, I found my pencil! You can stop looking now.

I hope she reads this...