I love cartoon detectives. When I reached the age where I realized superhero was not a real job (I was 26) I shifted my dreams to becoming a cartoon detective. Pop culture would have me believe that Japan is littered with cartoon detectives, in addition to actual litter.
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| Japan's answer to Batman and Robin. |
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| Japan's answer to The Hardy Boys. But umm... just the brunette one, obviously. |
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| Japan's answer to... well,you probably wouldn't see this outside Japan. |
Cartoon Detectives Presents Volume 1:
The Case of the Inexplicable Extra Undies.
Disclaimer: If you are of a weak constitution, afraid to face the realities of the life of a mystery detective, then read no further. Better to return to your safe world of Private Practice, cups of tea, Martha Stewart and romance novels. This world is not for you.
But if you are intrigued by the darkest motives of the human psyche then read on. Perhaps you will be the one to solve my latest case:
The Case of the Inexplicable Extra Undies!
The Time: 7:49 am, December 20th.
The Place: Nagata Jinja Mae, Station. Disabled Mens Toilets.
The Case: Bizarre.
If you’re ever out and about in the great wide world of Japan and you want to poo in a way that doesn’t contain the equivalent leg exercise to scaling a mountain, then the handicapped toilet is your best bet. Let’s just take a moment to thank Japan for that constant boon to my self-esteem.
Anyway, I was in need of those particular facilities as my train arrived at the station. I made my way to the men’s toilets but – Shock! The handicapped stall was locked!
I went into the toilets proper to check if there were any other western toilets, but they were all scary Japanese toilets! Noooooo. Whatever would I do now?
Just then I heard the disabled toilet unlock and slide open. Sweet relief! I raced back there and was confronted by a bizarre sight.
Well… it’s probably best you see it for yourself.
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| I just... Why?! |
Clearly some sort of crime had been committed.
The Clues: 1) Packaging strewn around the vicinity. (LL size. Good for you, buddy!
2) Motherfucking underpants under the baby change table!
The Facts: 1) Size LL indicates that the suspect is either a fully-grown man or a really fat boy. 2) There are numerous trash receptacles around Nagata station (albeit none especially earmarked for ‘old gruts’). That the perp did not take the time to stash their ill-worn undies in one of these indicates that they were either rushed or unconcerned about the likelihood of someone finding said undies.
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| Hmmmm. They appear to be undies. Horrific undies. |
Theories: 1) The perp, having soiled himself, went to a store, purchased new underpants, entered the subway station and changed there. (Detective Notes: This seems unlikely, but then again so does this whole situation.)
2) The perp is a salaryman. He works so many hours that he finally realized the futility of even having a home. So instead, each day before resuming work he simply buys a fresh pair of undies, washes his face and armpits in the sink (Detective Notes: the hobo’s bath) and voila – he is fresh as a daisy. (Detective Notes: this seems absolutely plausible. Ichiban theory!)
3) The perpetrator has stolen a brand new pair of underpants, used the handicapped toilet to change into them and then abandoned the packaging and his old, disgusting underpants for the subway weasels to use in the construction of their winter home.
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| Detective Notes: Goddamn subway weasels. |
Whichever one of my theories was correct, one thing was for certain; you can’t just go around leaving underpants wherever the hell you want! Only hot women can do that, even in Japan!
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| ... |
I considered pitting my considerable intellect against this clearly deranged madman. I envisioned tracking him to his secret underpants-filled headquarters (Detective Notes: Are there any abandoned underwear factories in the area?) and bringing him to justice.
Then I remembered I really needed to do a poo.
So I did that instead.
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